Off Course
One of the main reasons for angry arguments is the failure of one or both parties to stick to the point. Recently I read a Facebook posting in which someone asked if his friends “sympathized with those–especially the families of the victims–who sincerely objected to building an Islamic center near the site of the World Trade Center.” Few of the responses addressed and stuck to the question but, however understandably, veered off into denunciations of one side or the other, Constitutional provisions, and politics of many different kinds. People began to argue with one another quite heatedly.
But if the question is taken for what it is and answered directly (with the reasons for the answer then explained on a personal level, without dragging extraneous issues in), it is a simple matter. It’s a yes or a no. Very often, in domestic and public disputes, we will, for emotional reasons hard to suppress, use a fairly simple point of discussion, even contention, as an opportunity to rehearse old grudges or bring other, irrelevant issues into the conversation. It’s very difficult to resist going off course if what we’re talking about touches on other sources of rancor.This happens again and again in family arguments in particular, because every discussion necessarily brings with it an entire life history and is therefore difficult to restrict to the here and now.
My suggestion is simple, though like everyone else, I often find it hard to follow: try to recognize, master, and disregard old grievances and disagreements that are beside the point at hand. Stick to that point, find common ground or agree to disagree. It is remarkable how much more progress can be made in a discussion or argument about important issues if they are taken one at a time.
Approach works well in problem solving too.